I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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