I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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