Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
