you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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