The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
