The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize