I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
