my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
