bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
