The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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