words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
