theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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