R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
