dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
