Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
