I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
i now understand why vodka
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
