the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
