Moan for me like Helen Keller
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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