My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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