he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
