Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just invented taco cereal.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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