i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
