you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
