paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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