i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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