my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
