I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
