i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
