I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
