I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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