You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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