we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
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If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
me + whiskey = a bad person
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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