he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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