I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
