Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
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We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
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So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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