She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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