Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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