Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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