Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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