I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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