I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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