You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
