Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
