I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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