We got so high we made milksteak
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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