I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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