What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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