i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
