so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
