you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
