this beer tastes like vomit already
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
