For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
