I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Randomize
