i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
is it fun? or sober?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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